When we think about giving birth, most of us imagine that we will have a partner with us. For most of us it will be a husband, for others it will be someone with a different title, but it will be someone you trust. It will be someone you think can provide you with some comfort and support.
Maybe you imagine someone who can coach you through your experience, running interference for you and making sure you have everything you need and want. Maybe you imagine that your partner is cheering you on, reminding you of your goals and giving you pep talks.
For some women, this might be just right. You might actually want a partner who will tell you what to do. You might want lots of cheering and praise. You probably will want someone to take care of all of the details and basic needs. I highly recommend getting a doula to help you with this. A doula knows about this stuff. A doula will bring a HUGE bag of tricks for you so that you and your partner can focus completely on just being there and meeting your baby.
What many people don’t realize before giving birth is that your “partner”, the one you envision being there with you to share in the experience, is probably not going to be the one you want to send on errands or take orders from. This person is probably not even someone you will want to hear lots of encouraging words and praise from. This person is the one you want to be with you. Your partner’s most important role is to share and support you emotionally.
How?
For most of us, this just means sitting there quietly listening, watching, and breathing with us. We will need our partner to be fully present and aware of what we are saying and feeling so that they can notice the subtle changes in our behavior, the shifts that can mean we are moving to a new level. Our partner can remind us of how far we’ve come, of how strong we are, that we will soon be welcoming our baby into the world. This doesn’t sound complicated, but it is possibly the most challenging thing our partners will have ever done. Many hours of intense focus and watching someone we love experience pain and often anxiety is not an easy job. Breathing mindfully and measuring, waiting and worrying, remembering to respond with strength, sureness and compassion while absorbing and listening. When done with great intention, this job will likely drain your partner’s reserves pretty thoroughly.
So if you can, hire a doula to know about the details for you and offer helpful advice. Keep your partner to yourself. Let your partner be your shadow and your thermostat.
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