A Difficult Birthday
This was a difficult time for a birthday. Daniel turned 14 on November 24, 2024, just 11 days after my mom, his grandmother, died after a 2 year long battle with cancer. We didn’t have much of a celebration, and everything was overshadowed by shock and grief.
He handled it so well. He didn’t complain or fuss about the fact that he wasn’t getting a birthday party at the right time, or an abundance of gifts. We finally got to celebrate with his friends three whole weeks later with paintball and barbecue. His lack of fussing makes me think that he was a little numb during that time. It’s hard to know, because he doesn’t talk about his feelings much. I don’t think he was prepared to lose her.
It’s so hard to know how to approach things like sickness and death with our kids. At his age, I mostly gave him truthful and whole pieces of information. I told him that she might not survive her illness, but I don’t think he focused on that part. I also think that all of us sometimes, but especially kids, only hear the parts that they want to hear. He understood that there was hope of survival and held on to that.
Even a few months later, I’m not sure he has felt the full impact of the loss. Daniel was 12 when she was first diagnosed. He was 10 or 11 when she was still extremely healthy and well. He might not remember her as she was “before”.
I think that children have very short memories sometimes. They really might not remember someone they knew very well just one or two years ago. I think that might be the case here. He remembers her being sick, but not all that much from before.
Like His Grandmother
What he does have of her is meaningful and will last forever. His love of food and the fact that a kitchen is his favorite place to be comes from her. I’m that way too. It was always the hub of her home and she was almost always in it. Daniel is like that now. He spends most of his time at home in the kitchen. When it’s my turn to be in there it can drive me crazy, but I think it’s sweet and I love that he’s like her in that way.
His attention to detail is hers too. He will really dig in to something that he’s interested in. Once it grabs his attention, he goes all in and becomes an “expert”.
What Hasn’t Changed?
Daniel is still all about sports. He works out a lot and is very concerned about his physical fitness. He played his first season of flag football at the start of the school year and was SO GOOD at it! The kid would play hard, and then stay after practice to run plays with his coach as long as that wonderful man was willing. He is also starting his first season on a basketball team. That is his new favorite sport. He spent most of last summer at the YMCA playing basketball with anyone who was around. He even learned to ride the city bus to get there, so I didn’t have to shuttle him back and forth every day.
Daniel loves to play, but is also an excellent student. He’s in 8th grade and is making all A’s on his report cards. I don’t even have to remind him to do his homework. He is still not an easy kid to get along with, but I’m very aware that I am very fortunate in the school work department. I hear other parents complaining about the homework battles and having to keep up with their kids’ assignments and grades. I have never had to do that! Our agreement is that as long as his grades are good, I won’t say a word, and I won’t check up on him. It’s been magical. I am so grateful.
The Typical Teenager
Otherwise, we butt heads a lot. He is a full blown teenager. He checks all the boxes. He’s rebellious, disobedient, loud, BIG (he’s MUCH taller than I am now), and messy. I should amend that. His room is not a disaster, and he mostly keeps the bathroom tidy, but the rest of his stuff ends up in very strange random places around the house. Today, I had to step over some corded ear buds, a keyboard case, and some plastic packaging when I was trying to walk into my house. ????!! He loves to cook, and that also means strange disasters in the kitchen. The other day, he dropped some water into a pot of boiling hot oil. Yes, there were literally pools of oil all over the kitchen and on the walls.
He listens to obnoxiously loud music or wears headphones so he can never hear me calling him. We struggle over the music choices, but I mostly try not to fight that battle. I’ve already taken away ALL of his devices because of his tendency to get WAY too obsessed with them, and he has never had a smart phone. He’s had 3 phones in less than 2 years. His last “dumb phone” is lost again, and I’m not sure I’m willing to get him another. It’s always either lost, or not charged, or not with him. He wonders and rages about why he doesn’t have a very expensive smart phone.
The NOT-so-Typical Teenager
I’m grateful that although he is large and loud, he doesn’t smell bad! He can’t seem to walk around without smashing into everything and everyone, but at least he cares about his personal hygiene. Last summer, I was working in my office/bedroom upstairs and heard a man’s voice downstairs. My heart started racing because I was not expecting anyone. It was my son. I was shocked, but I should have been prepared.
He’s going through shoes at a ridiculous rate, and has developed a shoe obsession. The kid even started his own business! He finds “special” shoes at thrift stores, restores them, and sells them online for a profit. He hasn’t sold any quite yet, but I’m sure he will soon. Daniel spends a lot of time researching the “right” shoes, and seems to be able to find the diamonds in the rough. I love that he’s so good at cleaning and restoring shoes. Mine are about ready for a tune up.
Proud of This Kid
He is applying to a competitive high school magnet and is putting a lot of effort into the project. One minute he says he doesn’t care and doesn’t even want to go to this school, and the next minute he says life will end if he doesn’t get in. Teenagers, right? His efforts are impressive though. He’s so smart, and can figure out anything. He learned to use film editing software on his own in a matter of minutes, which is something I still struggle with at work so much! If he doesn’t know how to do something, he will find out, and he will get good at it.
What I love most about this kid is that even though he acts tough and mean, he actually just wants to be with us. He wants to join in on anything his sister and I are doing, and doesn’t like to spend time alone in his room. I understand that this is not usual for a teen boy, and I’m reminding myself to relish it while I have it.
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