I had to think today about our family ownership policy. What’s mine, what’s ours? To simplify things and avoid some fights, I made a rule for my kids when my younger was able to understand. I told the kids that their stuff belongs to all of us. They can choose a “special” object, one that the rest of us need permission to use, but the rest are community property. I figured that if everything belongs to everyone, there should be no fights that start with “Hey, that’s MINE!!!”
And it worked, mostly. We have all of our toys in one playroom, and I have long wonderful hours where my kids play sweetly together in their room.
Then yesterday happened. My daughter has a secret diary that someone gave her for her birthday. It locks electronically and is voice activated. She sets a password and has to speak it for the book to open. If someone else tries to open it, it sets off an alarm and her recorded voice booms out “IF YOU ARE TRYING TO OPEN THIS, YOU ARE A SPY. THIS JOURNAL IS HAUNTED.”
My son is 4. He can’t even read a secret journal, and yet yesterday he and his friend used a kitchen knife to pry it open, and he figured out how to re-record the alarm and her password!
My daughter actually uses this journal to write things she can’t say out loud. She told me about it, and asked if she could write whatever she wanted in it. “Even stupid and hate?”, she asked. Yep. So this book really is full of her very personal thoughts, her deepest darkest feelings that can’t be verbalized without potentially hurting someone else’s feelings. Private? I think so.
She needs some privacy now at 7 1/2. She needs her own space and some of her own things. I have no idea how to balance these needs with my own desire for family sharing.
Is it time for separate rooms? Separate everything? Or is there some way to find a balance? How do we decide where to give privacy and where to monitor for safety? She’s not even a teenager yet. I’m terrified.
I’d love to know the answer, but I don’t have it yet. Maybe there is no right answer just like so many other issues we’re faced with in parenting. My guess is that the answer is different for each family, each set of kids. In parenting, every day brings new surprises, new questions. Maybe the key to peace and happiness is just being open to possibilities.
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