This is a hot topic. When we were expecting our first baby, someone recommended a self-help book and workshop with the authors. We went. There were checklists of things we needed to do in order to ensure that the new baby would not ruin our marriage. This really worried me.
Then the baby came. The list went out the window. The marriage suffered. But looking back, I don’t think the list would have prevented problems for us.
Here’s a big one on the list. HAVE A REGULAR WEEKLY DATE NIGHT. Does everyone need a night out to recharge and relax? No. If being forced to find a sitter, get dressed up, make plans, make a dinner reservation, pump a bottle full of milk from uncooperative breasts, make sure baby gets their appropriate naps that day so she is cooperative with a bottle and baby sitter, make dinner conversation while exhausted, leaking and NOT talking about baby, is your idea of a good time then go for it. To me it sounded like WAY too much trouble and not fun at all. I would have been resentful if I had to do that regularly. What I would say is make SOME effort to connect with each other.
Don’t make either partner feel bad for not wanting to go out. Have a night IN together. Get takeout instead of cooking. Wash your armpits and watch a movie together while baby sleeps for an hour. Then cuddle with baby together and revel in it TOGETHER.
My point is, that unless BOTH partners want to go out, it doesn’t work. One person will resent it, or maybe both will just be going through the motions not getting anything out of it. If you can accept where you are in your lives, that you are parents of a baby, you can work with it. This time doesn’t have to be “Baby Jail”. It can be a lovely Baby Retreat if you decide together that that is where you want to be…..fully engaged and present.
It’s much harder when you are suffering because you want everything to go back to the way it was before you had a baby. Yes, babies can be a big challenge and your life can change for the worse in some ways. But it’s also easy to forget that it keeps changing as your baby grows and that most of the changes are AMAZING in a good way.
According to the most comprehensive study of couples entering parenthood in the book The Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage by Jay Belsky and John Kelly, much of the advice offered in self-help books and magazine articles might not be the key to success.
According to the researchers, couples fall into one of 4 categories. Severe Decliners (12%), Moderate Decliners (39%), No change (30%), and Improvers (19%).
What did those 19% do to improve their marriages after baby? According to the research, these couples did something astonishing. They surrendered or postponed their personal goals and needs in favor of the needs of the family unit. They decided to work together as a team. I like to say they both go “All In” to life as a family. I think that more often only one parent goes “All In”. Then the other feels neglected and resentful of the time devoted to the new baby. The “All In” parent feels that they are not getting enough help or that their partner doesn’t care enough about the family. Other times, but less often, neither partner goes “All In”. In this case, it’s usually the baby who loses. Her parents are both wrapped up in their own interests and/or each other so much that often someone else becomes the primary caregiver. The Improvers are partners who BOTH go “All In”. They let becoming a family be a shared adventure. They give their focus and time to that adventure. They enjoy it together.
Babies grow up into children without you having to make much effort. Then those children becomes adolescents and adults. It naturally becomes easy to go out and have your own time away from home. You will want to again. You don’t have to rush it. You can decide together that you will take things as they come. You can choose to enjoy this very short time with your baby as a team.
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