And I don’t mean the stretchy belly band kind, although those might come in handy for some too. I grew up in a pretty traditional family with a mother and father who held pretty traditional roles. Mom mostly stayed home with us when we were young. She cooked all the meals, did all the housework, patched us up when we were hurt, nursed us when we were sick, and drove us around for all of our stuff. She is a very quiet, stable, comforting presence. Dad worked to earn a living, and he worked a lot. He built businesses from nothing with very little help from anyone, he got us engaged in some sports, attended all of our important events, played with us, did the “man’s work” around the house like cleaning gutters and fixing stuff, and encouraged us to take risks. That was what I saw at home.
In the larger world, I was hearing whisperings about other ways of living in a family or out of a family. I was hearing about how women can choose many different paths. In college, a very liberal and new way of thinking gradually filtered in. I became a feminist. I decided I didn’t need marriage or children or “women’s work”. I could go to college and choose something else. I could do everything for myself. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me or provide for me. For girls and women raised in this world, there can be two very strong opposing pulls to be a certain way. I ended up getting married right after college and when I started having children 8 years later, I wanted to be with them as much as I could for as long as I could, so I stayed home. It has been a wonderful decision for me…..no regrets. I was fortunate that I could allow my true inner stirrings to guide my choice.
However, there was a very clearly negative consequence of my “I can do everything myself” mentality. It became very clear to me postpartum, that although I COULD do most everything myself, I shouldn’t have tried to. We are teaching our girls and women that they are extremely capable, but we are are neglecting to teach them that reaching out for help is not weakness. Feminism doesn’t mean we are islands. We are part of families and communities, but we are usually failing to understand that and reach out. When we have babies, we are tapping into some very primitive pools and we ignore our instincts to our detriment. Just because we CAN do it, doesn’t mean it’s healthy that we do. We need others not necessarily just to get things done, but to get things done and continue to experience ease and joy in life. We need them so that we can fully experience where we are in our lives.
So, if you’re going to have a baby soon, start asking for help. If you don’t already have family, friends, neighbors to reach out to, try to find some. Birthing classes, prenatal yoga and dance classes are great ways to meet people. Attend neighborhood events or join online neighborhood forums and groups. Spend time outside everyday and introduce yourself to neighbors. Hire a doula and find out about her postpartum services. Attend breastfeeding support groups before and after baby is born.
When we are alone during our postpartum time, we often suffer and become unable to fully enjoy this amazing time with our little ones. A healthy, fun, and serene postnatal time can really direct the tone of your future family life.
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