I have 2 children. They are as different as they could possibly be…..in MOST ways. My first child is a girl. She is sweet, quiet-ish, sensitive, kind, obedient, responsible, empathic, a rule-follower. My second child is a boy. He is loud, big, destructive, physical, completely out of touch with the feelings of others, adventurous, funny, a rule-breaker. If I tell my daughter I am upset about something she has done, she will probably cry and apologize and tell me that she is already so mad at herself. She self-regulates. She doesn’t need consequences, and I have to be careful not to criticize her. My son doesn’t notice I am upset if I am standing on a table screaming, throwing things, and pulling my hair out. There is no consequence that seems to have any affect at all on him.
So, what do I do? I’ve tried most everything. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of me, but I want some cooperation. I don’t like tantrums or giant messes. Some days, they get left to their own devices a little too much and I get tantrums and giant messes. Then I get more tantrums and giant messes when I require them to stop having tantrums and clean up their giant messes.
BUT, on my good days, I remember what we all need to maintain peace and get cooperation. My kids, as different as they are, both need a FULL Mama Tank. I don’t yet know at what age this stops working, or if it ever does. I do know that it works beautifully on both of my children every time I do it. I think of them each as having a little tank in their little bodies that need to stay filled with Mama love and attention. When the tank is full, they run optimally. When the tank gets low or empty is when the problems start.
What does this mean? Do I have to give them my complete undivided attention all day? No. That would be impossible anyway. There are 2 of them and we all sometimes need to eat and poop.
What I have figured out through trial and error is that 10-15 minutes each does a pretty good job. I play cars or blocks with my son for 10 minutes, then he is happy to keep playing while I move on to my daughter. We might do a puzzle or play a card game, then she is happy. After these sessions, I can usually get a pretty peaceful hour when they play together or just keep doing their own things. So, for 20-30 minutes of my time invested, I get an hour to myself.
If I choose to forget this formula and neglect them, I can do what I need to do, but I am constantly interrupted by requests for help, breaking up of fights, giving suggestions for what they can do, and my hour gets trimmed back quite a bit and is not peaceful at all.
A special bonus is that I get to play with my kids. It’s not always easy to forget all the stuff I HAVE to do and just sit on the floor with my kids and some toys, but I never regret that time. I often regret the times I DON’T play with my kids in favor of something more “important” or pressing.
I know it’s cliche, but I do know that they will not always want to play with me, and that I will mourn the lost opportunities. I don’t want to.
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