This was a question I wanted to be able to answer while I was pregnant with my first baby. I couldn’t connect with her while she was in there, and I hadn’t really liked other people’s kids much. I was very worried about what that would mean for me as a mother.
I heard women in my prenatal yoga classes talking about feeling the spark of personality emerging in their babies, and how they would talk to them, and how excited they were to meet their child.
I couldn’t relate at all. I felt sick all the time and I felt a little resentful about that if I’m being completely honest. I was scared about what a baby would do to interfere with my life and my plans. I wouldn’t be able to sleep like I liked to anymore. I couldn’t go out to quiet meals with my husband all the time anymore. I would have to become something I had never been before. I would have to reinvent myself, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that or even wanted it.
And then she came.
And I didn’t have to reinvent myself. I just WAS a mother. Everything in me just knew she was mine and that I would do anything in my power to protect her and give her a good life. I had to grow up quickly. I put aside the things I thought I wanted in favor of more time with her and meeting her needs, and I did it so easily and with so much love. I knew what to do when she got sick. I learned to ask for help from others, which was very hard. I didn’t get to sleep the way I liked, but I got to snuggle my baby instead and that was more than OK. I worked harder than I ever thought I could, and without any pay or accolades. And that was also more than OK.
Now I have 2, and they’re not babies anymore. Did I become a good mother? Do I have all the answers? Yes and no. I’ve learned that I won’t have all the answers. I’ll be confronted with very difficult decisions and agonize A LOT before realizing that I might just have to wait for the right answer for us. I’ve learned that sometimes I will make mistakes, but that I can do better tomorrow. It’s never too late to do better.
So take a deep breath….
And just have faith that you will get there. You already are all the mother you will ever need to be. All the tools you need are in there, and the most powerful one is LOVE.
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